The French Sailor, a short story by StevenHunley. Date added: 2010-02-13. Times viewed: 1330.
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- Intro: A French Sailor eats spinach with unusual results
The French Sailor
Jean Paul Belmondo was named after the actor. That was alright with him. After all, he wasn't the only man with a French name living in Quebec. There were plenty of others. When he walked downstairs that morning to eat, there was nothing, only a huge mountain of spinach left over from the night before. He unwrapped a cube of butter, stacked it on top of the mountain of spinach, and put it in the microwave. It was done in two minutes.
Then he ate it. It wasn't remarkable, him eating it all. That was just his way. What was remarkable was what happened next. His right arm started to itch, then his left. His right forearm started to swell, then his left. Then both at one time, though his elbows stayed the same.
"Q'uest que ce?" he remarked, though I can't be sure, it was in French.
A dark shape started to form on his skin marking his forearm.
Starting to dress, he slipped on the tight jeans he normally wore. But somehow he thought,
"Il n'est pas bon."
So he walked to his uncle's room who was an ex-hippy. In the back of the closet he found what he wanted, a pair of white bell-bottomed pants. Then he located a wide belt to match. He looked in the mirror.
"C'est bon," he said to himself.
He went back to his room and found a striped shirt.
"Oui," he said to the mirror.
Lastly he went to his brother's room and stole his white sailor's cap.
Before he walked out into the sunshine, he pulled up the sleeve of his right arm to expose the now perfectly formed tattoo of an anchor.
He looked at himself in the mirror before exiting the door.
"C'est magnifique!" he announced to himself.
He had an odd thought he'd drive to the docks. On the way he noticed that only skinny girls demanded his attention. The skinnier the better. He started wondering just where was it he could obtain a corn-cob pipe.
When he got to the docks and was looking for a likely ship, a man with a tie and bowler hat, a rather wimpy-looking man, started to approach him. Somehow he knew that the man wanted to borrow money for a hamburger, and pay for it next Tuesday. He started to run to avoid him, and ran off the end of the pier.
A giant brute of a man who needed a shave caught him as he fell off the pier and saved his life.
When the para-medics tried to revive him they asked him who he was.
"I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam." he muttered, and they took him away.
A week later when he got out of the hospital, the doctors told him he'd had an allergic reaction.
"And lay off the spinach," was their advice.
"Mais oui,"he replied, and ended the story right there.
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