Wasted Talent, a short story by cdsoulboy. Date added: 2008-07-20. Times viewed: 838.
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- Intro: A drunken tale. An introduction to a story about the unlikely pairing of a alcohlic Glaswegian and an American actor. A humourous look at the incidents that happen to them and their clash of personalities.
- I'm Jimmy. Let's get to the point. I'm not going to start this story with imagery or any other literary crap that I was taught at uni.I hate that in books, it confuses me, annoys me and I rarely get past page seven in a book like that. I don't even care if anyone reads this. I am writing this to try to get my head straight. To try to figure out what happened in the last few months of my life. This is a story about two people. Me and Marlon.
You may know Marlon from movies such as "Romance in Paris", "The Beast" and the fantastically witty "Super fun family vacation". He is apparently a "big deal". A sparkling Oscar is displayed above his TV, (I saw this on "Cribs").
I'm Jimmy and I'm an alcoholic. I'm shaking and trembling like a nudist in Glasgow on a "summer's" day as I haven't had a drink in three hours. I know I'm an alcy 'cause I read a pamphlet at the doctor's while I was getting my love stick infection cured. The pamphlet stated "Are you an alcoholic? No? Think again!" This was followed by a list of behaviours commonly associated with alcoholism. I checked them all. Quite an achievement, maybe the greatest achievement in my non-eventful life. Yes, I do drink on my own. Yes, I do it regularly. Yes, I do need a drink to "steady" myself in the morning. Yes, alcohol has affected my personal relationships. Most girls run like flies from a flaming shit when they realize my alcoholism isn't a joke. Usually I tell them something shockingly offensive and close to the bone. What can I say; alcohol increases my belief in my own sense of humour. It loosens my lips and some incredibly insulting "joke" escapes from my mouth. When I drink Whisky the Devil possesses me. I can never actually remember these events. I always find out second-hand via email, text or a Banshee's mouth the next day. Some of my girlfriends are still nice enough to leave me a present as they kick my worthless arse to the kerb, but I've already covered that earlier. My friends are gone too. For the same reason my girlfriends left me. The only presents from them are black eyes, burst noses and concussions. The only friends I have left are Jack, Jim, and Johnny. But they don't talk much. So yes, alcohol does affect my personal relationships. Finally the pamphlet asked "Does alcohol affect your job?" Most normal people choose a job on factors like: Salary, commute, job satisfaction etc. Not me. I only need to consider one factor: Drinking convenience. Yes, I don't take my work home. Yes, I don't work on weekends. Yes, I can do my job hung-over. Yes, I can do it drunk. In fact I believe drinking alcohol improves my ability to do my job, as long as I don't exceed the magical six pint mark. Alcohol gives me "the gift of the gab". I am a telesales rep. I sell kitchens ... I think. Could be conservatories, a phone service, cable TV or monkeys. It doesn't matter. Different shit, same spiel.
By now you are probably thinking "How are Jimmy and Marlon connected?". He's a celebrity, I'm a degenerate. He's American, I'm Scottish. He's got a six pack, I've got half a bottle of vodka. On top of my TV is an ashtray. He collects cars. I collect lighters. A hobby of mine is stealing lighters from people in bars and then watching them struggle to light a cigarette. He likes golf, tennis, tantric sex and diet fads. I like to ... well... uh... drink. Well we are connected by a chance meeting in a bar, a strange 'friendship' and I have his diary... and lighter.
The past few months of my life have been a blur. Well my whole life's been a blur since high school. But recently things have been really fucked up. I had to sit back and take stock. That's why I'm writing this now. Marlon's diary has been very useful in filling in the gaps in my memory due to alcohol induced blackouts. In telling this story I will use excerpts from Marlon's diary. This will jog my memory and also give a lucid, un-blurry account of the day's events. Now I'm going to have a whisky and water. My shakes are affecting my ability to hold a pen.
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